When we meet new people, or even old acquaintances, and begin conversing with them, the law of similarity prompts us to look for commonalities we can ease into and build trust.
It is important that we keep those feelings of ease and trust intact as we end the conversation, because the lasting impression that an encounter creates is a powerful building block for likability and real relationships. According to the eight law of likability, the law of mood memory, people are most apt to remember how you made them feel than what you said. This is why our recollections of people, conversations or events are able to invoke strong emotions in us.
The easiest way to build positive mood memories of you in the people you interact with is for you to just consistently apply the first seven laws of likability; because the eighth law is, in actual fact, a culmination of the first seven. This is mental and physical familiarity at work and the more of it we create, the more likable we become. It is the reason the advertising industry spends hundreds of millions of dollars on ad campaigns, because the more people see and hear about a product or service, the more trust they have in it.
Familiarity has to be built in an authentic way to minimize the risk of us or the brand we are trying to project getting tuned out by our intended audiences. We should build familiarity for the purpose of connecting, not for self-promoting. First, we create the connections, and then initiate familiarity during our interactions with the people we are connected to and establish good mood memories.
Then we grow familiarity by staying in touch and keeping the conversation going; and employing language that fosters good mood memories. We can do this by sending a note of congratulations or well wishes once in a while, or by networking purposefully on social media. There is extraordinary value to be had in doing things for others just because we want to, and not because we expect something in return.
Our relationships deepen. There are several ways to give. We can give to colleagues at our workplaces by suggesting resources, creating opportunities for meaningful interactions and offering feedback and support.
We can give by fostering connections. As soon as we meet interesting, purposeful people, we can start pondering on who in our circle of family, friends and colleagues we can connect them to. We can give by extending invitations to events we have been invited to. This is particularly applicable when we share commonalities with our invitees that the proposed event s center around.
Another way to give is to join formal or informal groups or associations that have objectives that coincide with our personal or professional interests.
We can organize an event that brings like-minded people together to interact with one another in a fun atmosphere. Sharing links to articles, journals or magazines or gifting actual print copies of these is another way to be generous. Care has to be taken so the links or information being gifted will meet the information needs of the recipient s. Lastly, dishing out favors and advice is a tried and trusted way to be generous.
We all have knowledge, skills, experience, and unique perspectives to contribute. By freely sharing them, we will extend the circles of context for connecting amongst our networks and give ourselves the basis for deepening our relationships.
Benefits come back to us in multiple folds when we are patient and are selfless in our relationships Patience is a virtue. It yields incredible value too. Oftentimes, we give in to impatience because it requires less effort, and limit ourselves as a result.
Novum utroque atomorum te eos. Epicuri ullamcorper necessitatibus ut cum, postea percipitur temporibus an sea. Nostro inciderint vix eu. Dicit possit eam an, liber vocent accusata vim ei. Reque officiis splendide per cu, delenit accusata nec an. Pro dicta euismod eu. Essent nominavi appellantur et per. Trust is tricky because almost everyone has a different definition of it. Most people also differ on how exactly they give trust. For some, people start with zero trust in others and it is slowly earned through their actions.
For others, people start with a full meter of trust in others and its up to them to prove that they are worthy and not lose it. Regardless, trust is not a universal quantity except for what was proven in Festinger, Schachter, and Back in studied the simple phenomenon of trust. They noticed that people that lived near each other trusted each other more unequivocally, and simply liked each other more, such as neighbors.
Their findings were also simple: the more repeated exposure you have with someone, the more trustworthy and likable you are to them on a subconscious level. The level of interaction wasnt important, it was just the frequency of occurrence that engendered the feelings. It means that trust, unlike many other things in life, actually works on a linear basis. The more you show up to a certain extent, the more trust will ultimately be built. This manifests in even tiny ways in our daily life.
The more you see a certain barista at a caf you frequent, the more you feel like you know and trust them. The more you see a neighbor, even if its just while you are both taking out your trash, the more you feel like you understand who they are and trust them. Again, the level of interaction isnt important, its simply the repetition that creates trust. Lets think about how salespeople use this to their advantage.
A typical sales cycle depends on trust, because if a prospect doesnt trust the salesperson, they simply wont purchase. So what does a salesperson do? They become like white on rice.
They email, call, text, and make sure that you have so many points of contact with them that they are always in your ear. And oddly enough, this makes you trust them more because if they are that present in your life, and you have accepted this, they ought to be trustworthy, right?
Obviously this would be overkill for a friendship, but its undeniable how salespeople are able to gain our trust through simple exposure and mirroring. If you are trying to get people to like you and become their friend, you are essentially selling yourself, and repeated exposure helps make the sale. Simply showing up creates trust. Festinger proved that the whole key to this entire trust process is to simply show up.
That's right, just be visible. Spend time with people. Be around. In the human mind, simply being visible makes them feel that they know you. This is why in the world of advertising, there is a rule called the rule of seven. According to this rule, a particular brand or marketing message has to be shown at least seven times for prospects to take action on that particular commercial message.
This happens all the time. If you see an ad for a new soda, chances are you wont jump out of your seat to buy that soda the first time you see the ad. You would have to see the ad several times for you to feel that the product being sold is legitimate. Once you mentally accept this, then the product has successfully branded itself on your mind. In other words, it is worthy of becoming a potential choice. This stage is all about filtering threats and potentially harmful people who might not have your best interest in mind.
This is purely defensive. Once you clear that stage, a certain force of habit kicks in and you gain trust, credibility, and people constantly coming back to you. This does not mean that they automatically choose you. What this means is that you have become a legitimate choice. If you are looking to build trust with people, simply showing up gets the ball rolling in getting people to trust you.
By being visible and gaining maximum exposure with people you are trying to impress, you set in motion the battle for likability and trust.
How did you meet your current friends? If you look at your set of close friends, you would realize that a lot of those friends became friends of yours almost accidentally.
For the most part, you did not seek them out. You did not consciously come up with this idea that you. In many instances, a lot of your good friends became your good friends because they simply just showed up in your life frequently.
They were at the right place at the right time and they did the right things. Maybe you went through elementary school and high school together, and were neighbors for years.
Proximity rules. There is huge value to simply showing up and showing your face. You would be surprised as to how powerful the exposure effect can work in your favor. Simply showing up, sending off positive signals, and becoming part of the solution instead of the problem can go a long way in you becoming good friends with people you want to gain the trust of.
In an ideal world, the moment you become friends with somebody, they would instantly trust you completely and you would be in their inner circle. But most friendships are tentative or probationary. You get put on some sort of outer circle of friendship until you prove yourself and you get moved into an inner circle of intimacy. The moment somebody looks at you as a friend, your journey of friendship with that person is only beginning.
Getting that person to consider you as a friend is just the start of your personal journey with that person. This should not be a surprise because all people have different circles of concern. In your inner circle are your dearest friends and family members.
In the circle further away from that are your other friends, and outside of that circle are your acquaintances or business contacts, and then outside of that circle is everybody else. If you want to get invited into your new friends inner circle, its usually a process. In , Murstein put forth one of the prevailing theories on friendship acquisition called the stimulus-value-role model.
The model describes the 3 stages of friendship, and what is required for someone to make it to your inner circle. The first stage of friendship is based on stimulus and physical attributes we are typically friends with people of a similar age, ethnicity, and outward appearance. The second stage of friendship is based on values, and is based on matching opinions, stances, values, and subjective morals and attitudes.
The final stage of friendship, the inner circle, is the role stage, and is based on how they might complement each other in working towards a shared goal a working relationship. These are three distinct phases of how people learn to value you as a friend. To gain access to the inner circle, it is all about learning how to fit better within all these three stages to move to the next.
People filter all their contacts on a subconscious level. Simply being aware that this subconscious filtering process is taking place, you can put yourself in a better position to send out the right signals and do the appropriate things to get into the inner circle sooner rather than later. Now that you know which factors are immediately important in becoming good friends with someone, you can change your actions and emphasize different aspects of your personality to seamlessly flow from stage one to stage three.
The stimulus stage. When you become somebodys friend, the first stage in the friendship is for them to evaluate you in terms of physical appearance and stimulus. We look at physical attributes based on how attractive we think those attributes are.
This applies to members of the opposite sex as well as members of the same sex. In fact, this is not really a sexual thing per se.
It is more of a simple categorization and stratification strategy. You are always sorting people, and those that are similar to you are attractive. You just want to be around them and assume positive things about them.
To move onto the next stage, your task here is to look like you belong. If you wanted to move into a soccer player s inner circle, at the outset it would be beneficial to wear a soccer jersey so you pass the stimulus stage. Look the part, and people will assume that you are the part. The value stage. I am not talking about intrinsic value here. All human beings have intrinsic value.
I am talking about how we size up other people based on how similar their values are to our own. For example, if you are a medical school graduate and you are a licensed medical practitioner and you practice medicine, you would value people who have similar values as you because they are in the same profession and see the world similarly.
A considerable amount of our class background and educational attainment is at play here. If you have an advanced degrees or a master s degree, you tend to put a lot of stock in people with advance degrees. These people might not automatically land in your inner circle, but they are definitely on the fast track because of the fact that they seem to have similar values as you.
Broadly speaking, value similarity tends to impact issues like religion, sex, career, family and personal development. Regardless of your pedigree, if you can make it known that your belief and value system aligns with someone elses, this will be sufficient. The role stage. This is the final stage of the three-stage process where people move into the inner circle. At this stage, a new friend has shown that they have certain attractive physical attributes that would make you want to hang out with them.
They have also shown that they share your inner core values. At the role stage, you share similar activities, and do them without any hint of conflict. Theres a saying that you dont know anyone until you attempt to travel together, and the role stage is exactly whats meant by that.
You have a complementary relationship that can go deeper than just meeting up for coffee or drinks occasionally. If you can travel together, which involves a lot of planning and execution, then simply hanging out together and being friends will be a snap. The role stage and subsequent inner circle means that you can function and actually work together.
Not coincidentally, this is why a lot of business deals get done on the golf course and on bar napkins people are able to decide that they can work with each other s reciprocal abilities, and move into each other s inner circle. For example, to pass someones role stage, you might decide to plan a road trip with them. If during the planning, you differ on too many aspects and argue, you probably arent going to pass the role stage.
But if you can successfully plan together, no small feat in itself, you are well on your way to the inner circle. You need to be aware of all these stages so you can understand how they play out and what your actions should be.
You also need to know which stage you are in, so you can work with the expectations of the people you are trying to gain access to. Perfect people are actually not the most attractive people. Were uncomfortable around it, and it makes us self-conscious in ways we never thought possible. To illustrate, lets think about why Batman and Spiderman are far more popular than Superman.
Superman is literally, well, a super man. He has almost no weaknesses, and it just doesnt seem very interesting when we all know that he could just punch one of his nemeses into outer space at any given moment.
He is rarely actually challenged, and it takes considerable work to make him vulnerable. Batman and Spiderman on the other hand, are powerful yet deeply vulnerable characters. Theyre not perfect by any means, and they both have to overcome challenges that usually seem too great for them. Turns out it was a great move to make Batman and Spiderman deeply flawed, because humanizing them made it easy for people to relate to them and love them. What does this have to do with anything on the science of likability?
Not being perfect is endearing to people. Dont pretend that youre perfect. In fact, display the opposite. People are drawn to other people who show vulnerability. We are drawn to each other s weaknesses because it reminds us that we are human. It shows deep confidence to openly show vulnerability and the chinks in your armor.
As an added bonus, vulnerability is one of the most attractive traits in the dating game. Aronson, Willerman, and Floyd in discovered an easy way for people to like you, but not feel threatened. In fact, this method is used by politicians carefully all around the world, as it is important that they are relatable and non-threatening.
The scientists discovered that perfection was not endearing, and that those who made mistakes and. In the context of the experiment, it was shown that subjects liked people who had knocked over a cup of coffee more than those who did not.
This was called the Pratfall Effect, presumably named after someone named Prat who continually fell. Perfection is intimidating. It is very hard to be friends with somebody who is perfect.
It is very hard to be friends with somebody who has everything. If you are spending a lot of time with somebody who is flawless, it can actually be quite an intimidating experience.
It might feel that you are walking on eggshells when you are around that person because they will judge you for not being perfect. You are trying to compare yourself to that person and obviously you are going to fail. This is why it is very hard for people to relate to perfection.
Nine times out of ten, perfection does not exist in any practical sense. Somebody may look like they have a perfect life, but behind closed doors they might actually be struggling with alcoholism, their marriage might be falling apart, or they might have a serious addiction. This is why it is really important to note that people actually get this.
This is why most Americans are looking for that flaw of humanity that they can attach to and relate to. Your imperfections are what make you more relatable and likable. Your friends are drawn to you because you are sometimes clumsy, and you are goofy or otherwise imperfect.
If you have a quirk or eccentricity, it is probably the reason why a lot of your friends are drawn to you. They like you not because you do not have any warts or imperfections. They like you because of your imperfections. Id feel a lot more comfortable around Heidi Klum if she tripped and fell on her face to break her faade of beautiful model queen.
Relatability is crucial to likability. It is very hard for people to like you if they feel that they cannot relate to you. If you are just so unreachable and so perfect in your flawlessness, people will not even bother.
It makes them feel intimidated because they know they cannot measure up. In many cases, it is easier for people to hate perfect people. You become some sort of caricature to them. If you are honest with your vulnerabilities and your weaknesses and shortcomings, it is easier for people to relate to you. They know that you are not perfect in the same way that they are not perfect.
As a result, they do not feel self-conscious around you. They do not feel that they have to watch. Most importantly, they do not feel that you are going to judge them because they have fallen short. You yourself suffer from their shortcomings and insecurities. Both literally, and figuratively. How can you use this knowledge of lack of imperfection and vulnerability in daily life? There are any number of ways to make your appearance slightly goofy and less polished, which we know makes us a bit more endearing to others.
For example, you can stumble a bit when you use stairs, exaggerate a yawn, wrinkle and rub your nose, drop something youre carrying, snort while you laugh, walk into the corner of a table or door, drive onto a curb while parallel parking, stub your toe, get hit by a tree branch while walking the list is endless. You can also make self-deprecating jokes, and immediately call out when you have made a mistake.
Finally, you can make sure to freely bring up or admit embarrassing things about yourself, such as your past love affair with ice cream or that you broke your leg chasing an ice cream truck. These are the things we all do in privacy, and these acts just make you human. They disarm others and make them relax. But dont overplay it. It all boils down to the following: wouldnt you rather grab a beer with someone that you can be in sweatpants with, instead of having to try all the time to keep up appearances?
A key element of likability is that people will listen to your opinions and act on them. In other words, you have influence over peoples actions and can make people do what you want them to do. Regardless if youve reached that level of likability, you can still assert a level of influence over people simply because of how the human psyche works. In , Pennebaker and Sanders sought out to study a theory of behavior called reactance.
Reactance is essentially reacting in the opposite manner of what is presented. They confirmed it - when subjects were told to do something, they felt a strong impulse to do the opposite to preserve their perceived freedom of choice.
This confirmed the phenomenon of reverse psychology, which uses reactance in the opposite manner to get a desired reaction from the subject. It means that people strongly value their free will and freedom of choice. Even if it isnt something they necessarily want to do, they may do something just to prove that they can, and to prove that they wont be restricted.
For example, we see this all the time with parents and children if a parent places too strong of a restriction on a child, this makes the child rebel even harder but sometimes the parent can achieve a desired reaction by doing this artfully.
If you are aware of this phenomenon and are willing to play the role of the parent, making people do what you want becomes easy. Reverse psychology. Reverse psychology is something youre probably familiar with. Its about telling people to do something, and then seeing them do the exact opposite, which is often the result that you wanted.
Reverse psychology is all about sending signals a certain way and hoping. If you're practicing reverse psychology, you're actually intending the opposite act. Most of us have seen reverse psychology in action. In many cases, our first experience with reverse psychology is with our parents. It can be as simple as a parent saying that she doesnt want the child to vacuum, and forbids the child from it.
Obviously, this will make the child vacuum, fulfilling his sense of freedom and fulfilling the parents intelligent laziness. Another example of reverse psychology: according to studies, the children of parents who don't make a big deal out of alcohol or drugs tend to not abuse these substances. In contrast, parents who made a big deal out of alcohol and drugs and specifically forbade them tended to have children that were likely to abuse them.
The reason that reverse psychology works is that people don't like to be boxed in. People don't like to be told what to do. When someone tells you to do something, your natural reaction is to do the exact opposite. Knowing this is the case, people who use reverse psychology to their favor would say certain things intending the opposite effect. Therefore, to get people to do what you want, insinuate any one of the following: that they cant do it, are forbidden from doing it, are incapable of doing it, arent allowed to do it, cannot handle doing it, or simply dont want to do it.
Reverse psychology works because of people's rebellious impulse. This is reactance at its finest. It all boils down to forbidden fruit. Whenever you tell somebody that something is off limits, the perceived value of that activity increases. Human beings are curious animals. We are often drawn to things that we can't have. We're often excited by things that we're not supposed to do. Reactance and influence.
The best way to use reverse psychology is to champion the opposite of your actual opinion. In other words, you play devil's advocate and gently guide the conversation to your desired reaction.
When you argue the other side, it's not uncommon for people to push back and find the true value in the side that youre advocating against. This is a great psychological trick in getting people to look at your position without browbeating them. You don't come off as a bully. Instead, you appear thorough, and you are able to subtly and gently guide people to your side. For example, you want to convince someone that dogs and superior to cats.
You would gently explore relatively small benefits of cats, and then compare those to relatively large benefits of dogs. The framing is important is here, and it is very likely that the other person will point out the flaws of your logic that the large benefits of the dogs are of course far superior to the small benefits of the cats.
They will prove you wrong, and come to the conclusion themselves that dogs are superior. This works on two levels first, you are telling them that cats are superior, which automatically makes them want to disagree. Second, you are allowing them to come to the conclusion themselves, which makes them believe in it far more than if you were to outright tell them. People value their freedom of choice and independence, and reactance is a strong reflection of that.
Fortunately, the awareness we now possess of reactance can help us influence people to any direction we want. We don't come out and admit it, but we are looking to be led and for someone to make decisions for us. A shepherd is a valuable and comforting presence.
We might think that we want the freedom of choice, but while we theoretically want it, we dont often know what to do with it and want clear direction. This is even true when it comes to emotions dont your friends ask you your opinion on their love lives, and if they are justified in their reactions?
Even every friend group has an unofficial leader, someone that people will look to whenever there is a decision or plan to be made.
People dont always trust their own judgment, and need to take cues from others to feel validated and accepted. Even emotionally, it's much easier to simply go with the flow and follow the lead set by other people. At the very least, it takes less thinking and less personal insight and self-exploration. Its easier than you think to step into the leadership role among your friends, or at work. Its not the struggle or burden that many leaders complain about theyre simply acting inefficiently, and perhaps unaware of what Daniel Goleman discovered in Daniel Goleman, a thought leader in emotional and personal intelligence, identified six distinct types of leaders in a study.
Each type of leader caters to a different type of intelligence and primary motivator after all, not all of us are motivated or driven in the same ways. The visionary leader paints a picture of inspiration, and motivates through grandeur. The coaching leader focuses on developing individuals, which coincides with organizational goals.
The affiliative leader motivates through creating at atmosphere of affection and support, and motivates through addressing emotional needs. The democratic leader builds consensus and motivates through the subsequent investment. The pacesetting leader leads by example and literally shows people what is possible to achieve. Finally, the commanding leader simply commands and orders, expects compliance, and motivates through.
Unsurprisingly, different people have different needs, and respond to different kicks in the ass. Placing people into one of the six categories can help you skyrocket your efficiency and effectiveness as a leader.
The round hole gets the round peg, and the square hole gets the square peg and the benefits are limitless. The visionary leader. This type of emotional leader moves others towards a shared vision.
This shared vision is, of course, an ideal. This leader tells the group about the vision they should all share, but doesn't really tell them how to get there. This person sets the priorities, but doesn't really lay out a step-by-step plan.
This type of emotional leadership is powerful because laying out a broad vision enables people to coordinate by sharing information, and also puts them in a position to motivate each other as they struggle towards that goal.
The main drawback of the visionary leader is that this style of emotional leadership often falls short when trying to motivate experienced team members. When you're dealing with experts, you're dealing with people who have their own vision. You're dealing with people who have seen alternative paths or know alternative paths.
It takes a lot more convincing power to motivate these people. Of course, there is power in vulnerability, but only under certain conditions. If you are too polite -and especially brown-nosing- you come across as weak and unworthy of being listened to.
When you need to win a crowd over, focus on the leader. To understand who the leader -or influencer are-, you can simply look at who people look when a decision needs to be taken. I think that a few studies were not put in good perspective.
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